Good day, friends! It is I, Sargeras, King of the Shadow! I am here at the request of Lanuria Dawnblade, the caretaker of this blog, whose fame is well known to all, and whose last name is a weapon. Nice!
A quick web search of Lanuria’s blog reveals that she has not written a single story about me, Sargeras. This is nothing to be ashamed of. I am very intimidating, and my reputation has frightened the likes of Hemingway, Flaubert, and even the Bard from so much as mentioning me in their work. I make a cameo in Dante and I have a larger role in Milton, but both authors changed my name in their anxiety. No doubt you, too, reader, have longed to write about me but decided it would simply be impossible to capture my grandeur.
Fear no more, for I have compiled…
TEN TIPS FOR REPRESENTING ME (Sargeras) IN FICTION THAT IS ABOUT ME (Sargeras)
1. Only use strong, masculine, fiery words to describe me.
Words you can use to describe Sargeras: strong, masculine, fiery, angry, titanic, monstrous, unfathomable, big, huge, super-duper-big, burning, raging, smashing, handsome, lonely, hypocritical, self-critical, adrift, confused, vulnerable –
Ahaha! That’s enought of that! Now, what should you try to avoid in your writing?
Words you cannot use to describe Sargeras: whitebread
2. All dialogue spoken by Sargeras must end in at least one exclamation mark, and preferably three.
“What are you talking about, I do not know what Olympus Mons is, oh wait is it that thing that is SO SMALL I DID NOT EVEN NOTICE IT!!!”
“I think I will have a sip of your tea, SIR!!!”
“What is wrong, I feel faint and somewhat nauseous, perhaps I am INSUFFICIENTLY HYDRATED!!!”
Avoid the temptation to ever not use exclamation marks.
“May I inquire as to the price of this chardonnay?”
“May I inquire as to the price of this chardonnay, BIZNITCH!!!1!1!!!!!1!”
As you see it does not necessarily have to make sense.
3. Spell my name right.
Sagrears, Sargerass, Sergeras, Saegeras, Sagreras, Saggrass, Cigars, Cigarettes, Ragnarok, Geno, Baskerville, Voldemort, sic semper tyrannis, Jackson Pollock, Visser Three, hedeedkgckgc, khtoo, o’std’sdkkkkkk, viscount, Sarggeras, Mohamihamihamihamihamihemihamihamihamihamihami, Chomolungma, je ne sais pas, floovle, biiiiiiirdie, sassafras, Pope hat, Louis LXVIII, Captian America, studmuffin
Planning on calling me regular, plain ol’ Sargeras?
What about Sargeras The Mighty? Sargeras The Exceedingly Tall? Sargeras The Asymptomatic? Sargeras The Sunderer Of Kings And Also Other Kings? Sargeras The Good Listener? Sargeras The Exceedingly Tall?
shit I used that one already
5. Okay I thought of another epithet
Sargeras The Agoraphobe
shit I am so bad at this
6. Try to get inside my head.
You can’t write my character convincingly if you’ve just petted a freshly-hatched duckling, cooing gently into its ear all the while, speaking soft words of comfort and gumdrops and the sound of the way babies sigh when they are utterly content. NO! You must do something evil to get into the right spirit!
Kick. A. Squirrel. In the nuts!!
7. I am running out of helpful tips.
Try to write as…well as you can, I guess?
8. Oh wait I’ve got one!
Okay. Make sure there is always a sexy woman in every scene I am in! And then the make-outs. Yes.
9. Sargeras, that is a pretty chauvinistic thing to say, why would you even say that?
Look it turns out I don’t have ten writing tips, okay? I mean really I had like two, but then you can’t have a Top Two List and I just got really nervous and and and
10. It’s okay Sargeras, it’s over now, just breathe, Sargeras, just breathe, it’s all over now, don’t worry, everything’s going to be okay.
Okay. Yes. I can do this. Okay. Okay.
So anyway those are some writing tips!!